Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Ho Ho Ho

The Patriot has been very busy around the holidays and hasn’t had much time to post. I’m taking some time off from work starting today and won’t be back until early January, so I’m going to throw the blog on hiatus until then. Here’s something to tide you over:

"Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons."


And remember to celebrate Christmas the way the Founding Fathers did, by getting blind drunk and beating people up. In the early 1800s, Christmas was, as one historian once noted, "like a nightmarish cross between Halloween and a particularly violent, rowdy Mardi Gras."

The founding fathers would no doubt be appalled by our obsession with lights, tinsel, singing chipmunks and revolving credit card balances. In fact, the U.S. government didn't even recognize Christmas as a holiday until 1870. Prior to that, Congress routinely met and conducted business on Christmas day. It was, in fact, just another workday.

Newspapers of the 19th century are filled with disturbing accounts of what Christmas was really like: widespread rioting, sexual assault, vandalism, drunkenness, street violence and general lawlessness. Most of these "traditions" were carried over from Europe, where, dating back to the Middle Ages, Christmas had been regarded by the wealthy classes as a safety valve for releasing the peasants' pent-up frustrations.

So peasants, release your inner frustrations! You have nothing to lose but your chains.

2 comments:

Murphy said...

Any excuse for drunken disorder and mayhem is good enough for me! Thanks, Patriot, and Merry Christmas to you and yours!

I am planning a one man protest in Manhattan for early January but would consider a joiner or two if you and any others are interested. I staged a similar protest at the beginning of the war in Iraq. Exact details have not been hammered out as yet, but I envision hitting the hot financial spots with placards emblazoned with things like Integrity, Accountability, Decency,etc.

Will discuss with you over New Years grog, perhaps?

Mark said...

Integrity, Accountability and Decency? Better bring a dictionary so the bankers can look up their meanings. Let's talk about New Years...peace on earth and all that.