My Recent E-Mail to John Kerry:

Dear John,
First of all I’d like to thank you for your service to our country; not the Viet Nam part, although that was a worthy endeavor, but when you volunteered two years ago to be a punching bag for that Republican dude from Crawford who was running against you for president. I must say you really took it like a man; curling up into a ball and protecting your face was smart fighting, even if it left your friends a little confused about whose side you were actually fighting on. Thank heavens you were wearing that spandex outfit to set you apart from the Connecticut cowboy; you remember, it was the same outfit you were wearing when you went wind-surfing off Martha’s Vinyard in the heat of the campaign. Maybe the reason you got the shit kicked out of you so often on the campaign trail had something to do with those wrap-around sunglasses blocking your vision. But I digress.

The real reason for my little note, John, is to ask that you STOP SENDING ME E-MAILS. I will admit that I appreciated the "thank-you" e-mail you sent after you lost the election, but I pretty much considered our relationship to be over after that bad night in Ohio back in 2004. I know letting go is hard John, but my feelings of betrayal and disappointment aren’t going to heal overnight and seeing your name in my inbox every other day or so makes me want to do something crazy. We both made mistakes, John. Mine was not saying yes to Howard Dean when he asked me for another chance after Iowa, yours was not growing a set of balls until two years after your opponent effectively cut them off in the general election.

Let’s leave the past in the past, John, and get on with our lives. I for one will look for a relationship with a Democrat who knows how to treat a voter, you, for one, have to STOP SENDING ME ANY MORE FREAKING E-MAILS. Thanks.
Me